Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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