So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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