I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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