you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
