someone threw a dead crab at me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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