I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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