Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
