He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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