Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
