Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
