they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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