a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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