i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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