Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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