I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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