On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
