remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
