Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
