you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
