I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
