My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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