i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
