Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
