girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
