shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
