We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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