the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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