bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
