My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
