I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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