Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
