Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
