I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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