jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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