So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
