Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
