We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
