So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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