im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
