your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
