so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
