someone get that fucking seahorse.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
