When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
