I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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