I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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