I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
