What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
