4 words: hood of his car
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
