you will always have a special place in my vag
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
