my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My cat gives me a boner
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is it penis luge time yet?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
