I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
