is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
